


Let Me Count The Ways

by baeberiibungh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Death, Domesticity, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff I guess, I really suck at tagging, M/M, different shorts i guess, i don't know what to tag these, stuff and nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-25 12:56:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2622575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeberiibungh/pseuds/baeberiibungh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles of sorts. Destiel is main relation, altho Sam gets a shout. Fluff, AU, canon and not, blah blah. kinda based on this article i came across - http://wmnlife.com/relationships/15-romantic-words-that-don-t-exist-in-english-but-should</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> Set in season 7, Sam remembers about some pictures he had of Jess.

(This word in Portuguese means a sad yearning that concerns someone from one’s past)

 

Sam looked to the bed on his left. Dean was snoring lightly, sometimes mumbling in his sleep. Sam smiled at his sleeping form. Dean was most probably dreaming about Cas. He was fuming before he fell asleep, grumbling nonstop about how his baby was left all alone because of those leviathan creeps and how Cas could have just blown them away with his mojo before stopping suddenly, Cas still a sore topic among them. Sam doubted Dean would be able to talk openly about Cas soon.

Sam himself was feeling depressed, following all the rules laid out by Frank Devereaux to stay one step ahead of their clones. He took a deep sigh and looked at the brand new laptop sitting on the table. While he was happy with the new hardware upgrade, he wished Frank had told him something before he went and smashed his old laptop. There were some things there he had kept he would have liked to transfer to the new laptop but he didn’t get the time. Even then, he brought back the internal memory card with him on the sly with the hope that he would be able to get his stuff out somehow.

He was not able to do that and was unwilling to throw it away even though their life was pretty much made of what they needed and not much what they could spare. He looked at his new acquisition again and sighted anew. There was one particular folder that he had kept hidden under a lot of password and hidden drives. He never asked Dean if he ever saw, nor he ever felt like quite showing it to him either. It was a collection of pictures from his Stanford years that were dear to him.

At first there were many pictures, of his friends, of places he went and funny accidents that happened, but over the years they had dwindled to a select few. They were mostly of Jess and some of them both. He had kept that through Madison and everyone who came since, and now, now he had lost them forever. Maybe he could ask someone who knew their stuff to take a look at it again someday. Now he felt strangely bereft due to a few missing pictures. How was that for pathetic?

When Sam had first started dating Jess, before they had moved together, Jess had roomed with a girl who was an avid photographer. She was not a professional but still had a few good cameras. And she taught Jess how to use them in her spare time. Jess had taken to it like a fish to water, and had clicked many pictures that Sam always thought were really pretty. When they started dating, Jess brought in the camera into their relationship as she loved to take pictures of Sam.

Some had been taken in bed, half nudes that made Sam feel self conscious, except that Jess would not stop taking pictures and Sam had conceded. Sam too had taken a few pictures of Jess but he viewed their quality vastly inferior to what Jess could do. However, there was one particular picture that Sam had loved, and Jess used to be equally fond of. It was of Jess covered by a crumpled white sheet, her blonde hair verywhere, while she smiled brilliantly at the camera with her eyes filled with love to the brim.

Sam still remembers taking that picture. Her roommate was out so they made use of the absence by having a good time. One of the cameras had been on the tiny table by the bed and Sam had picked it up and started taking pictures. Jess started preening and looking bashfully at the camera. And looking at her, with her soft face and golden hair, Sam had blurted out ‘I love you’ for the first time while still clicking away. Jess looked shocked at first for Sam never said it to her all the times she told him the same.

Then she looked at him with such a love filled look and such a beautiful smile that she didn’t even need to say ‘I love you’ back. The look was clear enough. And Sam had clicked that exact moment, and it always awed him that such love could be directed at him, that she could be so _happy_ to love him. It was surely a miracle he though, the naive fool that he was then, and that picture had remained his favourite ever since.

And now it was gone forever. He was never going to see that smile again and he feared that he would one day forget. That is why he had looked at that picture every week if not every day, to remind himself of Jess and her great love for him. He had transferred that folder from laptop to laptop, and fearing Dean would see and maybe feel sad or bad for him he never put it into his mobile. Now he wished he had done so. Looking at the pictures made him sad, but he felt sadder now.


	2. Forelsket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean calls out to Cas. First kisses are involved

(This Norwegian word is used to express the special intoxicating feeling of falling in love for the first time, when you hover in the sky)

 

Cas flew through the sky, finding the expanse of the open air intoxicating and reminiscent of heaven. His wings spread out in its entirety and slowly waved through the cool ether keeping him airborne at great speed. His flight always made him feel good, the angel radio in his head dimmed to a distant murmur and all the uproar in heaven, hell, earth and inbetween just about minuscule in rushing wind. It was also the happiest he is on the blue planet save one other place.

Suddenly he hears someone call out his name. It is Dean. He immediately slows himself down transports to the Winchesters. Dean is aflame about something Sam had done. He told him stuff so Sam left and now Dean just wanted to rant. He called down Cas out of his way and stood frothing at his mouth. Cas tilted his head a bit and watched as Dean actually pouted while his cursing slowed down.

“I mean seriously Cas, I have told him so many times but he won’t listen to me at all! He is my baby brother, it is my job to look after him, I cannot just let him destroy himself like this goddamn it!” said Dean as he sat on the bed and stared morosely at the ground. He continues brooding for some time, then suddenly remembering Cas he looks up and sees that he hasn’t moved an inch from where he had transported and had been staring at Dean this whole time.

Dean went pink, his cheeks and ears more so. Cas righted his head at this and came closer, personal space not of import as he stood between Dean’s open legs staring at his face. Dean stared back, his head looking up into the brilliant blue eyes. No one moved, as if each was trying to look at the deepest recess of the other’s soul. Suddenly, Cas put his right hand on Dean’s cheek, rubbing his pinky on the slight stubble the man was sporting.

Dean’s breadth hitched, his mouth gasped open silently and his eyes went a deeper shade of forest green. Encouraged, Cas put his other hand behind Dean’s head and slowly pulled him to his own lowering face. Cas held Dean very lightly, so that Dean could push him should he want to or stop him. Dean did neither, and Cas placed his too hot and too dry lips on plump and pink lips. Nothing really earth shattering happened, but a feeling grew in Cas’s chest as he started to slide his lips alongside Dean’s.

Dean was openly panting by now, his tongue making swipes at Cas’s closed ones, causing him to open his up. With a whine Dean stood up and started to kiss with great force while shoving him back towards the wall behind him. Cas returned his force but he kept his touch light and easy to break should Dean want to. It didn’t seem Dean wanted to though as he shoved the both on them into the wall with a thunk that was Cas’s head connecting with the wall. Cas could sense the feeling growing even more inside him. He was no longer flying, swishing through the clouds, but it surely felt like it.

He had goose bumps on his hands as they touched Dean and Cas was mildly surprised at their presence at the back of his mind as he responded to Dean’s fiery demand to be held and touched and most of all kissed to within an inch of his life. His stomach was doing flip flop as if he had to go to the toilet to do business while at the same time knowing that he didn’t have to and something was just making his heart beat hard and all of the blood rushing to his face and making him feel warm, as if he had been flying hard through the highest points of earth, and his human vessel struggled in the unaccustomed conditions, this felt just like flying.

Except that he had his feet firmly on the ground and his whole being consumed by the man his parents had named Dean. Dean had a beautiful soul that did not look like it would be named so but it fit, it fit so well, and Cas loved this Dean, this fragile human, who thought he knew everything and could get over any hurt, Cas loved this brilliant spark of his Father’s will and he was flying, beautiful in the air like a private rainbow dancing among the clouds and of course he was flying he had to be flying, but he opened his eyes and it was just Dean, eyes bright and wide and spit shining swollen lips that demanded to be kissed some more.

So Cas kissed Dean and felt that he was soaring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English not my first language. So be gentle if not kind. just lemme know what you think. Comments/criticisms are welcome!


	3. Mamihlapinatapai:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam looks at Cas and Dean looking at each other

(This word in Yaghan is the world’s most concise word. It expresses the situation when two people look at each other and hope, that either will suggest doing what both of them want but don’t dare to)

 

Sam looked at the two fools sitting before him, looking in different directions and sitting as close as possible in the booth opposite him. Sometimes he wanted to give out a long sigh, put his hands over their heads (and he could so easily do it to these short guys) and push their face towards each other and intone ‘Kiss!’ He didn’t do it because he feared that Dean would punch him so hard he will be shitting blood or Cas will simply smite him for daring to direct an angel of the lord.

So he held his silence as the both of them wrote an epic love story without ever telling either that they loved the other. With a snort, Sam remembered the night few days ago when Cas had shown up without anyone calling. He had come and tailed behind Dean in close proximity and it had required great strength on Sam’s part not to say anything then as well. It was all so obvious it was getting ridiculous, but yet they did nothing or even tried to do anything about it.

Sam had seen how their affection has grown over the years. Earlier Cas was the angel who was the least of a dick for Dean and Dean was the god chosen righteous man for Cas. Now it was a much more changed scenario. Sam had seen how defensive and caring Dean became around Cas, positively glowering at anyone who chose to comment at his odd mannerisms or clothing. Cas in turn became fiercely loyal to Dean and so attuned to his inner workings that it freaked out Sam sometimes.

But they refused to say anything outright and continued this dance of love and affection indirectly. Sam was okay with it, mostly, thinking that pushing may do more harm and may set both off like a pair of spooked gazelles. So he kept his mouth closed and noticed everything from afar, praying rather desperately that they don’t decide to rectify their positions by tearing each other’s clothes in the middle of the road or case or anything in the vicinity of Sam’s sight while they have love affirming sex.

It was slow, it was silent, and it was ok. Now if only they would do something about it or just kiss!


	4. Cafune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas runs his hand thru Dean's hair

(This Portuguese word is used to express the act of running one’s fingers through his lover’s hair.)

 

Castiel Novak did not usually consider himself a lucky guy. He really didn’t. But then he met Dean Winchester in the first year of college and he was hard pressed not to call himself lucky. Dean was just what he needed. And he loved him to the stars for it, particularly this moment when he was running his nimble fingers in Dean’s short hair, drawing on his scalp with his nails almost. Dean was smiling as he lay his head in Cas’s lap and sometimes actually hummed his pleasure like a big cat.

Cas never thought that he would actually meet anyone who would fit him, let alone be okay with him. Asexual to boot, Dean thrived on openly shown intimacy, and he had the thickest skin Cas has ever seen on any one when it came to people whose only business was hate. While Cas himself did not deem himself asexual, his libido was low enough that it was not that big a problem. Dean’s presence in his life was more important to him than sating his minuscule sexual cravings.

Not that he didn’t have any of course, but both worked on it and neither could be said to be unsatisfied with their life. Right now, they lay under one of the trees towards the middle of the small forest that surrounded the campus. It was private enough to give them space and out enough so that it felt really good to be in that place and time. Cas was reading a book with one hand while he kept running his hand through Dean’s scalp slowly with the other, and while Dean brought a book too, he gave it up for the pleasure of Cas’s hand in his hair.

Sometimes, but not always, Cas would spell letters in Dean’s scalp while he moved his hands, all his fingers looping the same way and telling the same thing, but he doubted Dean noticed. It wouldn’t matter either way, but still it felt nice, to tell him that he loved him over and over again without using his mouth but just his touch and that was really enough for him. Not that they didn’t speak of their love to each other. They were so lovey-dovey amidst their friends that they usually caused Jo and Ruby to pretend retching with great gusto after 10 minutes of loving smiling at each other.

Their friends may seem like jerks sometimes, but they were the perfect couple among that group and the funny thing was that neither Dean nor Cas seemed to be aware of it. Both seemed to be happiest when they were tangled up with each other, holding hands or just a simple touch saying all that needs to be said and Cas continued writing ‘I love you’ on Dean’s skin for the whole afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criticisms and comments welcomed, unbetaed, all mistakes mine, all characters not mine, English not my first language.


	5. Tuqburni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elderly Sam looks at grieving Cas at Dean's funeral.

(Though the translation of this Arabic word is a little bit rude (you bury me), its meaning is the most beautiful one-I can’t live without you)

Sam was sitting hunched up in the chair nearest to the coffin. His old frame seems almost doubly bent in sadness. He was sniffling into a stained handkerchief and trying to clean up his leaking face, but to no avail. His big brother was gone. This was hurting in ways he did not think possible. He though if those tales of making deals with demons and devils were true, he might have tried to make a go at it. But this is real life. And things like that don’t really happen. There is life and then there is death, no in between.

There were a few more people milling around him. All of Dean’s friends came to pay their respects to the kind man they had came to know. The children he had taken in for foster care came too, for he had loved all of them, Jo, Kevin, Krissy, Ben, Claire and everyone else to the core of his being. He might have been nothing to them biologically, but Dean had been the best father anyone could want. Of course, Dean had loved someone more, but that love remained secret from the whole world for the best part.

Sam looked towards the back of the room, at the darkest corner, and he could make out a face absolutely consumed by sadness, while the old hands held onto a cane as if the person’s life depended on it. The cane used to belong to Dean. And now Cas held it like he was holding Dean, as if he could still feel some essence of Dean in it, as if he could still sense Dean perhaps.

Their love life had been rocky from the first. While Dean has always loved openly, his own insecurity about his sexuality and Castiel’s family hell bent on cleaning him out of the Devil’s influence made things difficult for the couple the first two decade they were together. They actually had to fight with their life for their very existence and their right to be able to love whom they wanted. There had been many causalities in the way, sometimes proving fatal, which is why even though both got together in the later years of their life (thank god for small mercies), they could never quite overcome the fear that came with their love.

The children knew of course, they knew the whole stories and they never wavered in their dedication and love for the old man and his partner. And now Dean was gone. Gone were his toothy smile, his sly wink when he tried to sneak in candy for little Gabriel and his impossibly huge heart. Sam looked at Cas again and gave a big sigh. Today they bury Dean, they will very likely be burring Cas too, and he will live on as a husk, waiting for the day he could be laid down as well, near him for eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this quite literal so sorry for that. mistakes are mine, characters are not. Kudos and comments welcome.


	6. Bakku Chan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean thinks he sees Cas

(This strange Japanese word is used when you want to state that a certain girl is beautiful only when looked at from behind)

Dean looked around at the big bunker, as if he had never seen it before in its entirety. Sam was high on some painkillers for his broken hand and trying to take a nap, although he kept on shout-singing some weird lyrics, from what Dean could make out sitting at the table. He went to check on him every half hour, fearing that Sam might just set his room on fire. The bunker felt empty for some reason to Dean.

It was not like he was hoping that someone would come and stay at the bunker and it was not that big a problem to fit another of the room for proper habitation and really, any friend, hunter or otherwise was welcome to stay at the bunker for any extended period of time, but really Dean did not plan this for anyone in particular. Something sought to say a name at this point in his introspection and he shoved it away with a loud bang on the table.

Feeling too restless, he checked on Sam again. This time he was conked out, snoring lightly, and Dean figured that he had about ten hours of more silence before the Sasquatch even stirred. So he got his keys, and after checking the pantry, decided to stock up on some of his favourite junk food and maybe something healthy for Sam to devour when he gets up. He peeks into Sam’s room one more time as precaution and leaves with Baby confident that Sam will keep safe in the bunker.

Dean stops at the first big enough supermarket. He likes to stock up things. Making multiple food runs will make it just that much easier to track back to the bunker. So he set out to fill about three carts of groceries and anything they might need with the next weeks. When he was done, he stood at the empty cashier’s and waited for everything to be packed. As he looked around bored, he suddenly saw a mop of black hair, messed this way and that moving among the aisles.

Dean was moving before he was even aware. He tried to follow the person with the messy hair, all the while ignoring how his heart was skipping and singing Cas Cas Cas and got lost on the first try. He retook his steps and craned his head to see if he could find the person again. And he did. This time, he made sure to keep that hair in his eyesight as he snaked through aisles and corners and whatnot.

It _was_ a man, in a tan trenchcoat. Dean could feel a smile growing on his face. He reached out, Cas on the tips of his tongue, when the man turned back. It was not a man at all. It was a girl, with short dark hair, looking as if he had just dragged herself from the bed, a bit squarish in her physique and giving Dean a suspicious look as he held out his hand. He snapped it back instantly, something churning in his chest that was not disappointment Dean furiously argues with himself.

It is only when he reaches the bunker that he remembers that he left all of his groceries behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one i changed a bit to fit my readymade mold. Kudos and comments welcomed.


	7. Kummerspeck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean overeats cos he misses Cas

(This German word has a little bit funny translation 'grief bacon'. It's used to express the light excess weight that one gets from emotional overeating.)

Sam looked at Dean, shoving the third burger in his face. Half a pie lay before him still. Sam wondered if Dean has plans to eat himself into a stupor, because that is what he seemed to be gaming for. Not that Sam needed to ask. For the past three weeks both had been sharing the same room like old times. It rarely goes that far nowadays as two or three days out of a week Dean will purchase two rooms instead and Sam understands that Castiel will be making an appearance in the morning. He leaves after breakfast every day, the idiots acting like lovelorn teenagers, feeding each other and basically being so sweet that sometimes Sam felt like barfing.

He is happy for Dean, happy that Dean has put his bullshit of not deserving love away and taking all Cas can give and returning the amount in same if not more. But, god. The eye fucking! Like they hadn't just fucked each other into the mattress just hours ago, one of the reasons that Sam learned, belatedly, to take room as far away from Dean’s as possible. He can take any sex sounds from surrounding walls, but the noises both make is just too much for Sam.

But the fact that Sam has been sharing the same room with Dean again for such a long stretch tells him everything he needs to know. Dean has gotten moodier with each week, pushing himself that extra mile into work and killing off demons and monster with just a bit more anger. And now he is eating enough for two, still fuming, and Sam wonders if he should maybe say something. Except, if he knows Dean, and he does, he will just get punched in the nose as answer.

So he sanely keeps his mouth shut, watches Dean reach for the desert fork laid near the pie and contemplate if Dean will even be able to move away from the booth after he is done. Dean in fact looks sickly, a bit green from eating so much, and Sam hopes he doesn't have to watch Dean chuck his breakfast in the diner itself. Not sure who is going to lose, manners of the food avalanche, Sam simply vacates his seat, a raised eyebrow thrown at Dean as he gets up and goes to pay for their breakfast.

Hoping for a clean streak, Sam goes out and lounges by the Impala and sends a silent prayer to Cas asking him to drop by before Dean shoves himself into a food coma. Cas, sadly, does not appear. Dean though looks like he finally had enough and is making his way out. His stomach actually protruding a little, he looks like a grumpy toddler, and Sam snorts inelegantly at the mental picture of Dean in a bib with porky hands and legs and crying for pie which Cas shovels with a big ass cartoon shovel. Heh.

“I don’t think I’m gonna eat for a week now Sammy,” says Dean with a mighty belch that has Sam scrunching up his nose in disgust. He doesn't dispute the assessment. Hopefully Cas will be back before Dean’s second bout of overeating and he also hopes that Dean does not barf in the impala. That will be a bitch to clean and the smell sticks for some time making eating in the car a decidedly unsavory option.

Both climb into the car, Dean looking a bit lost as well as ashamed and Sam sends a sterner prayer to Cas to get his ass back to Dean as soon as possible.

**Author's Note:**

> While this was supposed to have 15 shots, i couldnt go on after 7 and hence am officially ending this series of ficlets.


End file.
